I remember when I was 13 or whatever and had just moved into an apartment where I would never make another friend again. I remember going through rather awkward phases where I wanted to experiment with past friends but never had the opportunity to.

I have a feeling I'm going to be like a 30 year old virgin who then gets married to a spinster for the sole purpose of procreation, and then gets busted with another man in a public restroom giving head because I never got to do that in the privacy of a bedroom when I was 13.

And I'm still alone. I still have no one to talk about this. I don't care about any of you; you're faceless demons with semi-perfect lives. Sure, you've been raped, beaten, kicked in the cunt while you were down, but at least you knew what happy was and could remember better days, as though it were some fucking idol that you could chase after indefinitely. If no one had ever known what it was like to be happy everyone would of blown their brains out by now whenever they fell into their first ditch.

I cant remember what it was like before I was like this. It happened before  I moved just a city away, but totally out of reach of everyone I associated with. It was a combination of things. Before I had left I started playing Runescape and alienated my elementary school chums. When I moved, the combination of having an entertainment outlet aside from real life friends and having no real life friends caused me to become a recluse. I lost everyone I ever knew.

The closest thing to expirmentation I had ever had was when I was 9. I don't know what caused me to do this, but I played my character as a female and actually e-married another person who did not know. The ironic part was, he was probably a pedophile. He got down to my city, but my scare classes in elementary school about not giving away personal information restricted me from giving out my address. The next day I told him I was a boy and he just vanished forever. I'd probably be dead if some pedo traveled thousands of miles to find out that his date actually had a penis, haha. I totally forgot about this until just now.

A few years later we moved into a dignified home in the middle of a fucking ghetto. The people around me are unintelligent rednecks and imbeciles. The name of my street is, and I am not kidding, "Cadillac Avenue." In the 9th grade I returned from a year of half-assed home schooling to an environment I loathed. It was loud, the gum chewing drove me insane, and people were caustic. I had gotten incredibly fat from a year of sitting on my ass doing almost nothing, so I was shy, too. I had been shy since I was beaten constantly in the 2nd grade for liking Pokemon, but I refused to talk to anyone and daydreamed all 6 hours of forced education about the adventures I would have once in the comfort of the chair in front of the computer.

Here I am today. I am supposed to be a senior. I am a senior afraid of driving, afraid of talking to girls because they're too judgmental, afraid of talking to men because I share no interests with the various jocks and bible-thumpers that inhabit this area. This place is so degenerate, the only note-worthy event is called the Mullet Festival, which celebrates the Fish called the Mullet Fish.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I hate you. I hate you for reading this. You cannot provide input on how to fix anything in my life. Feel free to chalk up petty advise like "lose weight", "make a friend", "go for a jog." You're an idiot, that wont work.

I don't have a place to go to for friends. I cant drive, so I cant simply walk to a fucking comic store or whatever and make friends with a fat geek ass there. I cant get a job because I cant talk to people. There's not much I can do, but yell at the inferior brainrot children on the Internet.

There's no place to start with me. I am a train wreck that was caused by the front smashing into the back. Everything co-exists with each other. Its like the negative factions of my brain are all cohorts, smoking pot and playing cards with each other, reveling in the fucking degeneracy which is the 6 feet in front of my screen.

I do not know why I'm putting this here, either. It's not like anyone here would provide a response more intelligible than in "Rants and Angry Arguments" or whatever. But I guess it's nice knowing I don't need to hear the typical "lol ur fat" that I would get anywhere else. And I'll get to see lame efforts by people falsely labeled as peer support leaders.

Now that I've written this, I remember my previous do-gooder's reason for giving up: Do I even want to be fixed? Is my laziness so vast that even the thing that is making me want to drop dead in issue still only because I am too inept to fix it?

Maybe I should get a psychologist.

JUST DO IT. If you want it hard enough, then you'll get it, friends and all. Just fucking move your mind into it. Whats the worst possible thing that can happen from just going to somebody and asking a question, or applying for a job? The answer no, right? Well try again and again and again until you succeed.
YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF. That is, like you said, if you WANT to be fixed. You obviously posted here for someone to reply, and I'm just giving my opinion. You'll probably find something wrong with my reply, because thats what you want, judging your lack of positivity.
All you need is yourself to get moving, only you can tell yourself you want that special someone or something. DO IT THEN. WHAT YOU FUCKING WAITING FOR?

This might sound "harsh" but thats what you have to tell yourself if you want to proceed. There are a lot of people out there like you, they just need that BIG PUSH to start moving and doing things for themselves instead of sitting at home feeling sorry for themselves.

And you're right, I'm not a proper support leader, I just like helping people, and you're lucky people on the internet would want to help others on the internet you know, I have much better things to do.

Only you can decide what to do, the only thing a psychologist would do is "evaluate you" and prescribe you to some drugs or something for "depression". You have the power within you to get moving and do things, SO DO IT. NOBODY CAN DO IT FOR YOU.

Well there, I said it. Now this might help, or it might not, but at least I have tried to help, and thats what matters.

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I do Swedish Polish and Portuguese translations. PM.

A job would mean working in a dead end establishment like Taco-bell with idiot teenagers talking about stuff I couldn't give a rats ass about.
Your response: "Well, it's a job. We all need to start somewhere."
My response: "I don't need money. I have no people to spend it on. No things I really desire that would lead to fundamental increase in standard of living. I've lived off my Christmas funds since I was 8, I continue to do so now."

Losing weight takes years. Not only would I have lost my preteen years by then, but my teenage years, before I became presentable. Even then, what if I am fundamentally ugly to the point where losing weight would only accentuate other failures? I look at my face and see no positive features. My skin is pretty destroyed with small, hard, packets of pus. Especially under my chin, on my chest, and on my back.
Your response: "Well, start working out and bathing more often. The acne will clear up with time and you will still have the other 4/5ths of your life to live as a health male."
My response: "For what? I cant imagine anything that I could find the dedication to sacrifice years of work to achieve. All the things worth living for are in the past. All that's in the future is the typical dead end work place with typical retarded coworkers that love typical dramas like House. I'm so fucked up sexually that a typical love affair is not conceivable."

There is nothing worth living for. Nothing. I have no crush, no desires, no hope. I live day to day off the dull thrills of killing people on Team Fortress 2 and the equally dull thrills of making people cringe on various forums. The only real satisfaction I get is intellectually humiliating my teacher and peers in an American Government class twice a week, and even then those people are not ones I would like to associate with.

The problem is not one thing. It's a lot of things which have solutions that inter-conflict.

Go on, feel sorry for yourself. It's not going to help. Start helping other people, do something amazing, volunteer, anything.
You can only get happier by helping others who can later help you. In other words, friendship.

For what? If not for yourself, do it for others, give some initiative. If you carry on thinking life is not worth living, well then it's not. But I bet you haven't done some of the most simplest things in life. Going for a walk in a park, listening to the nature, just sitting on a bench and seeing some city life, experiencing new things... There is so much to do, if you keep busy, you'll never think life is not worth living for, because you're alive, you have to live it now, LIFE'S TOO SHORT ANYWAY TO WASTE, right?

Jobs aren't just for money either. You might even meet a few good friends at a job, you never know. It doesn't have to be a shit place like Taco bell either, go explore, you might find a job you enjoy.

STOP moaning, and go around looking for new things to do, if you have so many funds.

People that you think you won't blend with, well you don't know until you've tried. No, not try, DO. My Dad always used to tell me, don't TRY it, trying is another word for almost failing, just DO it.
Go on, what harm would it do to associate yourself with some people you have at least ONE common thing with?

No harm in DOING it, right?

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I do Swedish Polish and Portuguese translations. PM.

This is why I do not want to associate with people, with places of work, with anything. I do not want to be seen.

And, of course, I say this while eating fucking potato chips. God I hate fat people so fucking much.

And you absolutely took the idea of "Christmas Funds" out of context. I usually get $100 collectively, most of which coming from my great-aunt. I have to make $100 last a year.

"If no one had ever known what it was like to be happy everyone would of blown their brains out by now whenever they fell into their first ditch. "

If no one knew what it was like to be 'happy', then there would be no 'sad'.  You can't feel that you're missing something if there's nothing to compare it to.  If you are 'sad', if you are 'depressed', then it is in relationship to some emotion that is considered 'happy'.

On another note, you sit here and you say you can't do this, you can't do that.  Then you're right, there's no point to saying anything.  If you can't do it, then why give any options?

You can sit here for the rest of your life and decide that you can't do things and leave it at that, or you can start towards a change.  That's not to say it's easy, but your mentality towards everything is a key player in your life.  You have to start somewhere, and if it all starts with an 'I can't', then you won't go any farther.

But you made a good point... do you want to change?  I've often times asked myself that... how much do I really want to change?  How much do I want to better myself?  How much do I want to move forward?  And honestly, as much as I want to, it's hard to find the motivation for it... because I also sometimes think 'I can't'.

You may want to call it useless motivational statements, but it's merely a fact.  Why would you waste energy trying to do something that you know you can't do?  It's pointless, it's stupid... the hardest part is convincing yourself that you CAN do something.  So what ~can~ you do?

You said you don't need a job.  You don't need the money?  Well, you hate where you live, right?  Saving up means that you can move out at some point when you've saved enough.  Job experience means a higher chance of being hired by someone else... and ultimately?  You can move out of this area that you despise so much.  A fresh start, people that don't know you...

Of course, judgement follows you everywhere, regardless of who you are: fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, short, tall... whatever.  However, there will always be a few that won't judge you from your appearance alone.  If you want, get a job, and use all that money to get yourself a personal trainer.  It may be a pain in the ass, you may hate it, you may want to quit... but who knows, it may work for you, it may not.

Time to step out into the world... You can't hide... it's right.  But why bother hiding?  Of course, I understand why... but is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Figure out WHAT you want.  You don't seem to know it yet...  You can continue your life this way if you so want... but just realize that being afraid and 'not wanting to be seen' aren't things you want.  Step up, do something, start somewhere.  Things won't just go uphill from here... your life will always go up and down, and there's never just plain happiness.

I apologize for all my lame efforts.  It's up to you, and I don't expect myself, nor anyone else on here, to place a spark in you so that you can suddenly get better.  It's up to you.  You can stay this way, or you can move forward.  That's your decision in the end...

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

We have the answers, look how far we've come, look what we've achieved, we know everything now, life was never better, look at my money fame business status oh god don't see my insecurity I will ruin your life because you remind me that I haven't solved a thing.

I can only come at your front-to-back trainwreck from the closest avenue of my own experience, which is depression, I know the inability to break the mindset, I know laziness, and my imagination can magnify it and fill in some blanks. I don't dare dwell on your pain, there's no point. It doesn't help if I bow to some suffering that's not my own. yet I feel like I should, like we should all know eachothers' pains intimately and fully, if only as some useless penance for our condition.

Our condition: I hate what we are and do. tear the rest down, fight for the top like rats in a nest. fast food, fashion, wealth, lifestyle magazines. all this, but still a modified rats nest producing nothing - producing everything under the sun and selling it, but not, really, productive.

dunno why you're the way you are, or why anyone is. pretty sure we all have the capacity to fail, and none of us really knows what winning is. but we keep sitting on eachothers heads and pushing eachother under.

I feel like any single human alone, you or the next poster, has infinite worth. But humanity as a whole, I can't see the point in saving. This confuses me so much.

I hear psychology has all the answers. I think they start with the wrong questions... but they've managed to pull people back from the brink from time to time. Try, I guess.

and sometimes, thinking gets in the way of solution.

Post edited at 7:04 am on July 5, 2009 by cutie2

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How long can you go without a signature?

I feel good today. I don't know why; It's not different from yesterday. I have a terribly sore throat, I just coughed to the point where I vomited in my mouth a bit. I have class in 4 hours and I've been awake for the last 16. But, today is a good day. I feel ready to take on the world. Today I will drive to class.

I was correct in my first post; Nothing anyone would ever say here would convince me to do anything new the next day. All it took was a little optimistic thinking.